Interview
Author Mike Chamblee goes on PBS
PBS logo.
INTERVIEWER: Welcome back to PBS. I’m your host… (clearly reading from cue card) Arnold Capstone. I have the special privilege tonight of interviewing an author called (looking at his notes) Mike Chamblee about his new collection of short stories.
MIKE: Thanks very much for having me.
INTERVIEWER: So, I’ll begin by asking: You’re Mike Chamblee?
MIKE: Yes.
INTERVIEWER: That’s your name.
MIKE: Yes. I’m Mike Chamblee, the author.
INTERVIEWER: (taking notes) Good, good. (looking up) And me. I’m Arnold Capstone, right?
MIKE: Yes, I believe so.
INTERVIEWER: (writing down) Ah, good. (looking up) So this show is named after me, is that it? I am the one who’s meant to interview you.
MIKE: I believe that is the agreement.
INTERVIEWER: Terrific. So, tell me, Mike, as an author, do you know anything about who this “Arnold Capstone” person is or was? I guess that’s me. Do I have a family? Do you know where I live?
MIKE: Hm. Are you asking me basic information about yourself?
INTERVIEWER: No, no. Let me rephrase that. (beat) We’re old friends, aren’t we, Mike?
MIKE: No, I’m afraid I’ve just met you.
INTERVIEWER: (writing and whispering to himself) Just met Mike Chamblee.
MIKE: I’m sorry, but are you alright? It’s as if you don’t know who you are. Is this one of those prank talk shows?
INTERVIEWER: Ha! Not at all. This is a real… (writing) talk show. And I know very well who I am, who you are, where we are, (begins looking around nervously) just what the hell I’m meant to be doing here…
MIKE: There! See? You veered into a state of utter confusion.
INTERVIEWER: Oh, give it up, Mike. So, you wrote a (looking at notes) book, yes?
MIKE: Yes, I wrote a book of short stories. The stories center on the fictional town of Pawhunxsatawneyphilville, where—
INTERVIEWER: Do all books contain these stories?
MIKE: Excuse me?
INTERVIEWER: Were I to find one of these so-called book, would I encounter a story each and every time?
MIKE: Well, no. You might find a history book, or a science book, or a book of photographs.
INTERVIEWER: Ah, I see. There are all different kinds of book.
MIKE: It seems to me that you don’t know what a book is.
INTERVIEWER: I do, too, know what a book is.
MIKE: Apparently not given your questions.
INTERVIEWER: I've known many book in my day.
MIKE: If that were true you’d know the plural is “books,” not book.
INTERVIEWER: Speak for yourself. Tell me, Mike, can a books tell you anything about yourself? Your identity?
MIKE: Well, many people see a particular desire for “identification” as a formal aspect of the novel. I tend to agree, with some quibbles—
INTERVIEWER: Your books… Isn’t about me is it?
MIKE: What? No. It’s about the fictional town of Pawhun—
INTERVIEWER: I need to get up for a moment.
INTERVIEWER gets up from his desk. He’s not wearing pants.
INTERVIEWER: (looking around) Let’s see here.
MIKE: Arnold, you’re not wearing pants!
INTERVIEWER: Pants, pants. Those are important for a guy like me, eh?
MIKE: Yes.
INTERVIEWER: And how do I acquire these pants? What kind of pants should I be wearing?
MIKE: Slacks? Arnold, it’s clear to me that you’ve suffered some kind of injury and need to be treated for memory loss.
INTERVIEWER: I remember everything!
MIKE: What’s your name?
INTERVIEWER: Arnold.
MIKE: Well, I just said so. What’s your full name?
INTERVIEWER: Arnold... (he looks around for the title of the show)
MIKE: No looking for the title!
INTERVIEWER: I’m Arnold… Blackstone.
MIKE: Capstone! You’re Arnold Capstone!
INTERVIEWER: That’s what I said!
MIKE: No, you said “Blackstone”, like the investment bank.
INTERVIEWER: Oh. Do I work there?
MIKE: No! You work here, Arnold! At PBS!
INTERVIEWER: (writing this down) P-B-S.
MIKE: Why don’t you just tell the truth about your memory loss, Arnold. That way someone can talk to me about my book, which I worked very hard on.
INTERVIEWER: I don’t have any memory loss!
MIKE: Earlier you didn’t know what a book was!
INTERVIEWER: An honest mistake.
MIKE: Really?
INTERVIEWER: People forget things all the time.
MIKE: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
INTERVIEWER: I forgot.
MIKE: Arnold!
INTERVIEWER: Simple mistake.
MIKE: You couldn’t remember your own name.
INTERVIEWER: It’s trifling.
MIKE: It’s not trifling!
INTERVIEWER: How as an author do you remember everything that happens at the beginning of the books by, say, the time you reach the middle or end of the books?
MIKE: Are you really asking me that question or do you just want me to explain how memory works?
INTERVIEWER: Both. I mean, the second one.
MIKE: You clearly have amnesia.
INTERVIEWER: I told you I don’t have… (writing in his notepad) What was that word you just said?
MIKE: Amnesia.
INTERVIEWER: Spelling?
MIKE: A-m-n-e-s-i—... Wait, I’m here to talk about my book, not spell for you! Is there a producer here?
INTERVIEWER: Oh, now you’re a tattle-tale?
MIKE: I’m not a tattle-tale!
INTERVIEWER: Come to tell on me for my memory loss?
MIKE: There, you admitted it!
INTERVIEWER: I did not.
MIKE: You just said you have memory loss.
INTERVIEWER: Prove it.
MIKE: We’re recording, we can just rewind!
INTERVIEWER: You’d like that, eh?
MIKE: Do you or do you not know who you are?
INTERVIEWER: I pretty much do.
MIKE: That’s not good enough!
INTERVIEWER: With shades of gray.
MIKE: Arnold!
INTERVIEWER: Fine. I woke up in my dressing room and I was told to come out here to talk to you.
MIKE: There we go.
INTERVIEWER: Maybe I’ve never heard of book.
MIKE: Books.
INTERVIEWER: Or pant.
MIKE: Sure.
INTERVIEWER: I suppose I have (looking at notes) am-nee-zee.
MIKE: Let’s get you to a doctor.
INTERVIEWER: Very well.
PRODUCER enters to take INTERVIEWER off and shoots MIKE a ring gesture. He waves INTERVIEWER 2 on.
INTERVIEWER 2: Sorry about that, Mike. Why don’t we carry on with the interview, then?
MIKE: Terrific.
INTERVIEWER 2: So, tell me: What’s a book?
MIKE: Oh, come on! Do you also have amn—?
INTERVIEWER 2: No, no. I’m just a moron.
MIKE: I’m going to go.
INTERVIEWER 2: Understood.
INTERVIEWER ENTERS.
INTERVIEWER: (pointing at INTERVIEWER 2) Who’s this man and why is he sitting at my desk?
INTERVIEWER 2: Don’t you talk to me that way!
INTERVIEWER and INTERVIEWER 2 begin to wrestle.
MIKE: Oh, dear. (turning to the camera) Before I go, I’d like to remind you that my book is titled Six More Weeks: “A Woodchuck’s Fantasy” and Other Stories. It is out now on Knopf. Thank you!
MIKE is tackled by INTERVIEWER and INTERVIEWER 2.